Honesty

"May 18, 2014"

I don't care

If it isn't about me

You aren't about me

You aren't me

Not me

Me.

At Least I Know Now

"May 28, 2014"

There's a world inside my head,

A parallel to my real life,

Filled with thoughts that never were.

But here, they flourish instead.

Little mishaps are corrected, errors erased and never heard.

Complete and perfect interactions, a medium for fantasy.

All the control in my possession, hidden in my every word.

You – you don't belong here.

I put you here to make you say

The words I would die to put in your mouth

If they only were sincere.

I come on strong because I feel so lonely.

Replace the silence with despair.

So, you'll reject my advances,

And I will withstand it,

'Cos something's always better than nothing.

At least I know now.

At least I didn't have to learn the hard way.

Life's easier in make-believe.

At least I know now.

At least I didn't have to learn the hard way.

I don't get hurt when it's just me.

Sex No Protection

I don't know you, but I want to.
How're you doing? Wanna get out of here?
It's so crowded. I think you're special.
Come on over here and make me feel good.

Carry me away.
I need to love this way.

Sex!
I'll fuck you if you want it.
Give me something, girl. I'm trying to get into you.
I wanna love you. Let me have it.
Work it good enough, and I will never leave you.

I don't know you, but I want to.
How're you doing? Do you feel okay with me?
I'm so nervous, but I think you're special.
I want to take the time to know you personally.

Carry me away.
I fall in love this way.

Sex!
I don't want to. I'm not ready.
I'll give you love, girl. I think that you could be the one.
I want you to love me. Can we save it?
Wait until the moment I promise to never leave you.

Love first, then the rest.
Lust runs into sex.
It taints it, wastes it,
Washes out and fades it.
Don't you want something that will last?

Starfucker, I've gotta be big.
I'm the best, let me tell you.
Let me know you. I can show you.
So much pressure to keep you here,
But I'm so fucking worth it!
Oh, give me something, girl.
Show me you love me!
Oh, don't you love me?
I know you love me.
Don't keep me waiting...leave me hanging on the edge.
I just wanna fuck you.

Sex!
I'll fuck you if you want it.
Give me something, girl. I'm trying to get into you.
I wanna love you. Let me have it.
Work it good enough, and I will never leave you.
Sex!
I don't want to. I'm not ready.
I'll give you love, girl. I think that you could be the one.
I want you to love me. Can we save it?
Wait until the moment I promise to never leave you.

Make This Mistake

Could it be, I got this one right?
You never know until you ask.
I have a feeling, this was a pivotal night,
A moment made to last.

I won't fall. I won't try
To take the place of another guy.
But if you're willing,
I am able.

Make a big mistake.
Make it here with me.
You can fall apart.
It's safe when I can fix you easily.
You want a brand new start.
Give me your own heart.
Chase away the feelings of regret.
Come on, make this mistake.

Never wanted so much to be liked,
But so unwilling to open up.
You never noticed my blue eyes
Glazing, welling, flashing by.

But I won't fall. I won't try
To take the place of another guy.

Make a big mistake.
Make it here with me.
You can fall apart.
It's safe when I can fix you easily.
You want a brand new start.
Give me your own heart.
Chase away the feelings of regret.
Come on, make this mistake!

But I won't fall. I won't try
To take the place of another guy.
But if you're willing, I am able.

Make a big mistake.
Make it here with me.
You can fall apart.
It's safe when I can fix you easily.
You want a brand new start.
Give me your own heart.
Chase away the feelings of regret.
Come on, make this mistake.

More on "Pretty Little Words"

As an "artist," I've struggled a lot with the promotional/financial side of my career. I have this mentality that I'm going to write this beautiful/weird music and people are just going to throw money at me eventually. But obviously, that isn't reality. I started writing this song, "Pretty Little Words," in May because I was frustrated with my inability to write "the perfect song." This summer was supposed to be spent really searching myself for material and getting some traction in the music world, and that didn't entirely happen. This song is explicitly about wanting to write a beautiful song; beautiful in a musical or intellectual or "je-ne-sais-quoi" sense. On an ironically more profound level, it is also about material and professional aspiration.

I've started the piano arrangement for the song, which you can listen to here.

Inherited Life

I got the idea for this song while reading An American Tragedy Book 2, Chapter XIII. It's at the part that describes Roberta's father's upbringing and the family's resulting ideology. He has what he has and does what he does because he inherited it. Same goes with his beliefs. He believes what he was brought up to believe, never questioning what he was taught. And as a fervent believer in active religion, I truly believe that questioning ones faith only makes it stronger. This song deals with the moment a lot of us realize we don't know why we think/believe/do what we think/believe/do.

August 19, 2013

I don't know how I got here.
It's like I woke up from a dream.
I had all these plans, at one point...I think.
But they took the back seat.
A steady little nightmare,
Drinking too much from the grave.
I should be digging my own holes
Instead of filling up the holes you left for me.

I have to think...think for myself.
But it's hard breaking away from what I've known.

I don't know what I've done,
What I'll do with a life I got from someone else.
How could I be happy when I am,
But I'm not doing anything for myself?
A blind statuarium.
I love what's been done for me,
But how can I be my own?
(I don't know what I've done,
What I'll do with a life I got from someone else.)

I can't believe what I'm reading.
All my life, brought up believing.
But it doesn't stop my breathing.
But I never could think of leaving.
I never paid attention,
Just swallowed nutrients that I was fed.
And now, dictation has left me
In need of something fulfilling.

I have to think, think for myself.
But it's hard breaking away from what I've known.
I need to ask what I'm doing. I've been craving
An idea I call home.

I don't know what I've done,

What I'll do with a life I got from someone else.

How could I be happy when I am,

But I'm not doing anything for myself?

A blind statuarium.

I love what's been done for me,

But how can I be my own?

(I don't know what I've done,

What I'll do with a life I got from someone else.)

This probably won't be the final set of lyrics. I just wanted to share what I was thinking of tonight. But I definitely need to figure out what word I'm thinking of instead of "statuarium." Just looked that up, and I don't think nominative neuter form of Latin word "statuarius" will cut it. Good to know I can pull out some random Latin, and it sort of maybe fits, but I don't believe that word is necessary to the song. The search begins!

(A)lone(ly)?