Honesty

"May 18, 2014"

I don't care

If it isn't about me

You aren't about me

You aren't me

Not me

Me.

At Least I Know Now

"May 28, 2014"

There's a world inside my head,

A parallel to my real life,

Filled with thoughts that never were.

But here, they flourish instead.

Little mishaps are corrected, errors erased and never heard.

Complete and perfect interactions, a medium for fantasy.

All the control in my possession, hidden in my every word.

You – you don't belong here.

I put you here to make you say

The words I would die to put in your mouth

If they only were sincere.

I come on strong because I feel so lonely.

Replace the silence with despair.

So, you'll reject my advances,

And I will withstand it,

'Cos something's always better than nothing.

At least I know now.

At least I didn't have to learn the hard way.

Life's easier in make-believe.

At least I know now.

At least I didn't have to learn the hard way.

I don't get hurt when it's just me.

Sex No Protection

I don't know you, but I want to.
How're you doing? Wanna get out of here?
It's so crowded. I think you're special.
Come on over here and make me feel good.

Carry me away.
I need to love this way.

Sex!
I'll fuck you if you want it.
Give me something, girl. I'm trying to get into you.
I wanna love you. Let me have it.
Work it good enough, and I will never leave you.

I don't know you, but I want to.
How're you doing? Do you feel okay with me?
I'm so nervous, but I think you're special.
I want to take the time to know you personally.

Carry me away.
I fall in love this way.

Sex!
I don't want to. I'm not ready.
I'll give you love, girl. I think that you could be the one.
I want you to love me. Can we save it?
Wait until the moment I promise to never leave you.

Love first, then the rest.
Lust runs into sex.
It taints it, wastes it,
Washes out and fades it.
Don't you want something that will last?

Starfucker, I've gotta be big.
I'm the best, let me tell you.
Let me know you. I can show you.
So much pressure to keep you here,
But I'm so fucking worth it!
Oh, give me something, girl.
Show me you love me!
Oh, don't you love me?
I know you love me.
Don't keep me waiting...leave me hanging on the edge.
I just wanna fuck you.

Sex!
I'll fuck you if you want it.
Give me something, girl. I'm trying to get into you.
I wanna love you. Let me have it.
Work it good enough, and I will never leave you.
Sex!
I don't want to. I'm not ready.
I'll give you love, girl. I think that you could be the one.
I want you to love me. Can we save it?
Wait until the moment I promise to never leave you.

Make This Mistake

Could it be, I got this one right?
You never know until you ask.
I have a feeling, this was a pivotal night,
A moment made to last.

I won't fall. I won't try
To take the place of another guy.
But if you're willing,
I am able.

Make a big mistake.
Make it here with me.
You can fall apart.
It's safe when I can fix you easily.
You want a brand new start.
Give me your own heart.
Chase away the feelings of regret.
Come on, make this mistake.

Never wanted so much to be liked,
But so unwilling to open up.
You never noticed my blue eyes
Glazing, welling, flashing by.

But I won't fall. I won't try
To take the place of another guy.

Make a big mistake.
Make it here with me.
You can fall apart.
It's safe when I can fix you easily.
You want a brand new start.
Give me your own heart.
Chase away the feelings of regret.
Come on, make this mistake!

But I won't fall. I won't try
To take the place of another guy.
But if you're willing, I am able.

Make a big mistake.
Make it here with me.
You can fall apart.
It's safe when I can fix you easily.
You want a brand new start.
Give me your own heart.
Chase away the feelings of regret.
Come on, make this mistake.

More on "Pretty Little Words"

As an "artist," I've struggled a lot with the promotional/financial side of my career. I have this mentality that I'm going to write this beautiful/weird music and people are just going to throw money at me eventually. But obviously, that isn't reality. I started writing this song, "Pretty Little Words," in May because I was frustrated with my inability to write "the perfect song." This summer was supposed to be spent really searching myself for material and getting some traction in the music world, and that didn't entirely happen. This song is explicitly about wanting to write a beautiful song; beautiful in a musical or intellectual or "je-ne-sais-quoi" sense. On an ironically more profound level, it is also about material and professional aspiration.

I've started the piano arrangement for the song, which you can listen to here.

Inherited Life

I got the idea for this song while reading An American Tragedy Book 2, Chapter XIII. It's at the part that describes Roberta's father's upbringing and the family's resulting ideology. He has what he has and does what he does because he inherited it. Same goes with his beliefs. He believes what he was brought up to believe, never questioning what he was taught. And as a fervent believer in active religion, I truly believe that questioning ones faith only makes it stronger. This song deals with the moment a lot of us realize we don't know why we think/believe/do what we think/believe/do.

August 19, 2013

I don't know how I got here.
It's like I woke up from a dream.
I had all these plans, at one point...I think.
But they took the back seat.
A steady little nightmare,
Drinking too much from the grave.
I should be digging my own holes
Instead of filling up the holes you left for me.

I have to think...think for myself.
But it's hard breaking away from what I've known.

I don't know what I've done,
What I'll do with a life I got from someone else.
How could I be happy when I am,
But I'm not doing anything for myself?
A blind statuarium.
I love what's been done for me,
But how can I be my own?
(I don't know what I've done,
What I'll do with a life I got from someone else.)

I can't believe what I'm reading.
All my life, brought up believing.
But it doesn't stop my breathing.
But I never could think of leaving.
I never paid attention,
Just swallowed nutrients that I was fed.
And now, dictation has left me
In need of something fulfilling.

I have to think, think for myself.
But it's hard breaking away from what I've known.
I need to ask what I'm doing. I've been craving
An idea I call home.

I don't know what I've done,

What I'll do with a life I got from someone else.

How could I be happy when I am,

But I'm not doing anything for myself?

A blind statuarium.

I love what's been done for me,

But how can I be my own?

(I don't know what I've done,

What I'll do with a life I got from someone else.)

This probably won't be the final set of lyrics. I just wanted to share what I was thinking of tonight. But I definitely need to figure out what word I'm thinking of instead of "statuarium." Just looked that up, and I don't think nominative neuter form of Latin word "statuarius" will cut it. Good to know I can pull out some random Latin, and it sort of maybe fits, but I don't believe that word is necessary to the song. The search begins!

(A)lone(ly)?

Was it something I said?

"May 7, 2013"

I wrote this in my "Lyricist's Notebook" with a 6/8 meter, but doesn't it sound more like a semi-conversation or poem-that-doesn't-sound-like-a-poem rather than a song?

"Hi. That's what I said.

I make no commitment.

My name's Luke. Is that what you heard?

Good...walk on.

You may make my life

A million times better,

But I'll never know

Because I walked up to my room.

I wish I could go back, scratch out the missed opportunities,

The times I said, 'Go for it...wait no. Stop. It's too hard.

Just keep walking.'

Oh, I kick myself for no reason.

The most friends wins you the most hearts.

The most words - the most chances.

How do I make this living,

Charming people with nothing?

How do I do it? How am I supposed to do it?

My Perspective on "The Age of Innocence"

I finished reading The Age of Innocence the other day. It's given me some to think about for this "concept album" I've conceived. I really ran with Wharton's conveyance of conformity and the societal standard. I may have run too far. Who knows?
Finishing the book has given me some ideas on how to shape my lyrics to provide a still warped but more human approach to the often-touched but complicated-enough-for-new-angles topic of individual versus the group. The struggle to figure out not only how to stay true to yourself, but also to discern when you are following the crowd and when you are breaking off on your own.
I didn't invest much energy into writing for the love triangle Wharton puts at the center of The Age of Innocence. I figured I already told a despairing love story. Why tell it again? So, this collection of songs will hopefully not center around one love; it will be more about love in general. Falling in love in a world of explicit traditions and hidden expectations.
If I record them all, there should be a substantial amount of b-sides...for, you know...stuff.

Oh, my songwriting experiments...

They don't always work.

Pretty little words...

We had our piano compositions recorded today, and our class's compositions reminded me of the compositions my music theory class recorded last year. The high school idea of modern composition and the college idea, I've realized, are two completely different matters. My own composition from last year was a musique concrète-lite piece as a tribute/criticism of Twitter. Other pieces were reading a poem over a minimal riff, composing with limited pitch material (Barktòk, anyone?), and juxtaposing jazz saxophone solos with drums (mediocre counterpoint?). But are those really modern? As discussed in forum, it's a little difficult to know WHAT exactly constitutes modern composition, especially because most people still revere techniques/styles over 40 years old. 12-tone music is post-tonal. Serialism can be post-tonal. Spectralism, closer to present day, is also post-tonal. So I guess if you consider post-tonal music a label for the music being created in classical art music, then all of those are still modern. But 12-tone started with Schönberg in the '20s. Serialism came after in the '50s. Musique concrète came in the late '40s. How old these styles are, and we're still looking back to them!!! Not saying that any of these styles are useless. But come on, can't we think of something new to teach?

I've seen some buzz at school for alternate tuning systems. JI is becoming more and more popular. As my comp teacher would have put it: Letting the instruments play how they were destined to play. Maybe he wouldn't have said it exactly like that, but it would've been something just as dramatic. Alternate tuning sounds interesting. Very mathematical...lots of physics. Maybe when I've mastered tonality (laughter), I can be bored with equal temperament and join the ranks of the high art world.

But for now, I'm still sticking to my original goal: combining pop and classical. I mostly wanted to introduce the "weird" classical techniques to pop music to add some sophistication and artistry to the production. But now that I'm at an innovative art school, I also want to introduce pop ideas to art music than can be aloof and impenetrable.

This is my manifesto! or a rant to distract me from writing a brass quartet.

The Age of Innocence

I know I don't tend to do this, but I started writing this song, and I feel like it should be the title track to "The Age of Innocence." It just sums up the underlying issue of the entire album. And it's heavily influenced by the book, so wonderful allusions.

Lyrics are not finished by any means. Some are just sketches/ideas that I need to make more beautiful or authentic or something artistic. And because the lyrics aren't complete, I'm going to show you what I've written in my top secret songwriting journal. Actually, I might do that in the future, just to make the process more personal. Better to see handwriting so you know I'm actually writing these songs or putting in some thought, you know?

You Can Do Anything

I apologize for this incredible cynicism. I sat in on a songwriting workshop, and I feel as though it over-strategized the process, to the point that it became a little offensive.
ie. if you're writing a pop song, make it at least 100 bpm and have it sung by a woman. If country, under 100 bpm and sung by a man.
So I wrote this song. The melody borrows a lot from Frou Frou's "Breathe In," so turn on that song when reading this.

"Hello, nice to meet YOU!
I'm a messenger for YOUR soul.
How's YOUR day? Are YOU busy?
Take a listen to this musical solace.
If YOU'RE a woman, I can be a woman.
If YOU'RE a man, turn off this song.

It's so catchy.
I'm in your mind.
I float around so you'm unwind.
The world is love. I'm so uplifting.
Insert song title here.

Hello, did I do a good job?
Is this personable? Let me explain.
I'm even deeper than the 1st verse.
But you won't remember this. Just skip to the chorus.

(Chorus)

This is where I get all deep and thoughtful,
And you finally learn the meaning of the song.

(Chorus)"

I refer to the sexist rules, that you should gear a pop song toward women because men won't buy your records without a woman's influence, include "you"s everywhere, stereotypical uplifting feelings, and stereotypical song development format, AND including the song title within the first 60 seconds of the song. I'm such an opponent against that rule. The title creates an expectation for the piece, so it needs to be what you want the listener to feel. The lyrics could be completely different.

I've found my dark place

"November 19, 2012"

I think I've found my dark place.
I saw it in the room.
It tried to take my breath away,
So I did all but swoon.
I followed Darkness to its room
And kept it company.
But little did I know,
It would be the death of me.

Awkward flirting somehow turning
Into what I thought was a new life.

I think I've found my dark place.
It was crying in the chair.
Accusations of exclusion.
Why'd I have to care?
I tried to let it in my life,
But it wouldn't behave.
It tried enveloping itself
With ego that I gave.

Opportunity confusion
Leading to my self-implosion.
I want it back.

I think I've found my dark place.
It was driving me away.
I tried to be accepting
Of its sensitive array.
I let it choose the music
And the food we always ate.
And I became a slave to Darkness.
Sense kicked in too late.

Self-importance prominent
Over the vestiges of give-and-take.
Where is my semblance?

I think I killed the darkness.
They were manifesting schemes,
Altering the universe
With Godforsaken dreams.
I had to cut the devil out
Before it reached the head.
But Darkness faded into Light,
So I killed myself instead.

Wake Up and Drink This Poison

I think I'm finally ready to unveil "{Drink Me}." I still consider it a demo because I haven't spent a whole lot of time mixing it, or sent it to get mixed, so I'm not sure how the finished product will sound yet. But I wanted to show everyone what I had been working on officially since October but mostly since January of this year. And I wanted people to hear that while I'm still working on writing some happier music, I can at least write happy-sounding music.

Don't be fooled though. This isn't a love song, or at least, it isn't in the traditional sense. Sometimes, I get so fed up with being lonely, that I wish that any girl would take a chance on me. {Drink Me} communicates this feeling. I don't say, "Wake and and love me," because that isn't what I think I deserve. I say, "Wake up and drink my poison" because I know that my feelings are incredibly selfish, and will only be detrimental to the person involved.

So please, don't play this song at a wedding. Or on Valentine's Day. But do enjoy if you're lonely!

Drink Me

Thank You, Dana

Just finished a documentary on the work of Marina Abramovic. Her art was incredibly moving. And her masterpiece was as "simple" as sitting at a chair and staring back at people visiting her exhibit at MoMA. I connected with her work and Vito Acconci's on a deep, kind of scary level. But it's definitely for the better. I feel as though this exposure to profoundly emotional performance art will positively affect my outlook on experimental music, and it'll help me be more honest in my own music.

So much of art is baring your soul, but what really hits people is exposing a part of you that people don't want to see. I don't exactly know which direction I'm taking, but I do want to continue writing pieces that deal with what people don't want to hear. Not sonically necessarily, but lyrically and content-wise.

I want to write a song about nothing. Who would listen to that? ;)

Piano Productivity

I woke up early yet late today (oh Daylight Savings), went to church, and started recording takes for my piano tracks. "Don't Wanna" went alright, but "Wake Up" was brutal. You realize how much you don't know a piece when you have to record it.

Everything's coming along this year...

Public Apology

Sorry, I've been sandbagging lyrics, thinking that everything should be kept secret. But I hate that. And I guess I'm also waiting to finish songs before I post them, but that takes the fun out of the creative process. That's assuming that my songs are completely perfect, and I don't want your input. But YOU, reader, I do want your input. Because while I am creating my own art (insert artist statement), I'm also catering to you, my audience. And it's important that you like what you are (possibly) supporting.

So here you go! A big spoonful of despondency.