I've found my dark place

"November 19, 2012"

I think I've found my dark place.
I saw it in the room.
It tried to take my breath away,
So I did all but swoon.
I followed Darkness to its room
And kept it company.
But little did I know,
It would be the death of me.

Awkward flirting somehow turning
Into what I thought was a new life.

I think I've found my dark place.
It was crying in the chair.
Accusations of exclusion.
Why'd I have to care?
I tried to let it in my life,
But it wouldn't behave.
It tried enveloping itself
With ego that I gave.

Opportunity confusion
Leading to my self-implosion.
I want it back.

I think I've found my dark place.
It was driving me away.
I tried to be accepting
Of its sensitive array.
I let it choose the music
And the food we always ate.
And I became a slave to Darkness.
Sense kicked in too late.

Self-importance prominent
Over the vestiges of give-and-take.
Where is my semblance?

I think I killed the darkness.
They were manifesting schemes,
Altering the universe
With Godforsaken dreams.
I had to cut the devil out
Before it reached the head.
But Darkness faded into Light,
So I killed myself instead.

Wake Up and Drink This Poison

I think I'm finally ready to unveil "{Drink Me}." I still consider it a demo because I haven't spent a whole lot of time mixing it, or sent it to get mixed, so I'm not sure how the finished product will sound yet. But I wanted to show everyone what I had been working on officially since October but mostly since January of this year. And I wanted people to hear that while I'm still working on writing some happier music, I can at least write happy-sounding music.

Don't be fooled though. This isn't a love song, or at least, it isn't in the traditional sense. Sometimes, I get so fed up with being lonely, that I wish that any girl would take a chance on me. {Drink Me} communicates this feeling. I don't say, "Wake and and love me," because that isn't what I think I deserve. I say, "Wake up and drink my poison" because I know that my feelings are incredibly selfish, and will only be detrimental to the person involved.

So please, don't play this song at a wedding. Or on Valentine's Day. But do enjoy if you're lonely!

Drink Me

Thank You, Dana

Just finished a documentary on the work of Marina Abramovic. Her art was incredibly moving. And her masterpiece was as "simple" as sitting at a chair and staring back at people visiting her exhibit at MoMA. I connected with her work and Vito Acconci's on a deep, kind of scary level. But it's definitely for the better. I feel as though this exposure to profoundly emotional performance art will positively affect my outlook on experimental music, and it'll help me be more honest in my own music.

So much of art is baring your soul, but what really hits people is exposing a part of you that people don't want to see. I don't exactly know which direction I'm taking, but I do want to continue writing pieces that deal with what people don't want to hear. Not sonically necessarily, but lyrically and content-wise.

I want to write a song about nothing. Who would listen to that? ;)

Piano Productivity

I woke up early yet late today (oh Daylight Savings), went to church, and started recording takes for my piano tracks. "Don't Wanna" went alright, but "Wake Up" was brutal. You realize how much you don't know a piece when you have to record it.

Everything's coming along this year...

Public Apology

Sorry, I've been sandbagging lyrics, thinking that everything should be kept secret. But I hate that. And I guess I'm also waiting to finish songs before I post them, but that takes the fun out of the creative process. That's assuming that my songs are completely perfect, and I don't want your input. But YOU, reader, I do want your input. Because while I am creating my own art (insert artist statement), I'm also catering to you, my audience. And it's important that you like what you are (possibly) supporting.

So here you go! A big spoonful of despondency.

"January 4, 2013"

Some days, I can't speak.
Stay home alone, and I just think.
I don't want to go out, just be by myself.
No one can break my quiet shell.
Don't ask me to host.
I can only pose.
I need a minute to calm down.
I know time is lost,
But I've been burning out.
Oh no, it's important to hang out.

So I go, I drive on.
This and that for every person.

What went wrong?
Why are we here?
What is this silence drawing near?
What went wrong?
Why didn't it last?
What made you leave so fast?

The perfect planner in for difficult denial.
Filling the awkward blips with amiable sunshine.
Hid in technology to prove imagined quests.
Sustaining hazards for sake of keeping clean contacts.

Awkwardness prevails and slowly drives away.

What went wrong?
Why did it die?
Why am I for keeping love alive?
What went wrong?
Why didn't we last?
What made your forget me for him so fast?

I love you. I need him.                 |          I love her. I need you.
Can't you forget about him?         |          Can't you forget about her?
I hate you, I hate him                   |          I hate her, I hate you
For what you did.                        |          For what you did.

"February 5, 2013"

I feel inadequate today.
My ruler isn't big enough to measure
The talent that surrounds me...mocks me.
Inspired by the failure to produce,
I make excuses, and let it loose.

My dreams are far, far away.
And if I keep it up, there they'll stay.
Try, try to stay awake.
Because today could be my day.

This is the life.
Risky business.
Put in the time
Without promises.
This is the dream.
You can't lose it.
Pick up the pace
And redo it.

February Pop Star

I wanna be a pop star.
I wanna change your life and make you happy.
Look to me when you're in need.
I'm your hero.

I'm doing things I don't wanna do,
Taking names, singing songs I don't really feel.
Collaborate with the ones who will make me strong.
Change the lines until I don't make sense anymore.
I breathe magic in your ear. You stop
Long enough to keep the money flowing.
I will never disappear, I hope,
As long as you follow me.

I wanna be a pop star.
I want unhealthy debates and a million death threats.
Let me corrupt your mind.
I'm your sinner.

I'm doing things I don't wanna do,
Saying things I don't really feel.

Just One Question

"February 28, 2013"

Just one question...
Who are we? Where do we come from?
Why are we born, and then we die?
What makes us important?
How do we survive?
Why is there evil? Why is there choice?
Are we pre-determined?
I wanna know.

Why do we look like them?
Why don't they look like us?
Why do we think like them?
Why don't they think like us?
I have to know.

What is your plan for me? (Repeat)
Why am I here? Where should I go?

What is your plan for me? (Repeat)

Why am I here? Where should I go?

Is it easy to watch us,
Knowing we have failed You?
Do you really love us?
Is the Bible true?

"March 4, 2013"

I apologize for my ennui. I'm working on it.

I made too many mistakes,
Too many final decisions.
I broke too many hearts.
I burned too many bridges.
And now, I walk alone,
Follow the ones who still can love me.
No matter, where I go.
No one's truth can validate me.

I'm alone.
Disconnected from my feelings.
I tear through social stature,
Never knowing who's on my side.
Just give me a reason to be alive.
Awake the dying boy inside.

I played it safe too much,
Passed too many chances.
I gave away too much,
Leaving myself hollow.
I've changed a lot from Self-Confinement,
No more edgy confidence.
I crawl, fixed in temporary,
Unable to decipher ennui.

I'm alone.

Disconnected from my feelings.

I tear through social stature,

Never knowing who's on my side.

Just give me a reason to want to cry.

Give me some control of my life.

We're together in my head.
You, or you, or you, and me.
It took hours of cautious dreaming,
But I finally got the right idea.
I love getting ideas,
Theories so appealing.
So why can't someone love
The idea of me?